


The Commanders Sore Buttocks

by NHSFanUK2020



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, F/M, Hope, Iceland, Lollies, Love, M/M, Other, Pudding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 08:28:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28775349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NHSFanUK2020/pseuds/NHSFanUK2020
Summary: The tall and handsome commander was battle weary. The long days spent planning movements, camping outside the walls, running from unstoppable titans. The sight of his dead comrades. He struggled with it a great deal. But the real problem, the most inescapable issue of the day, was the problem associated with spending all day riding a horse. His bottom was very sore and it needed help.
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Eren Yeager, Erwin Smith/Reader, Erwin/IceLolly, Levi/Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith/Mike Zacharias
Comments: 8
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

The tall and handsome commander was battle weary. The long days spent planning movements, camping outside the walls, running from unstoppable titans. The sight of his dead comrades. He struggled with it a great deal. But the real problem, the most inescapable issue of the day, was the problem associated with spending all day riding a horse. His bottom was very sore and it needed help.

Erwin couldn’t remember the last time he had a comfortable bottom. The stinging associated with sitting down had become so constant that he barely noticed it, except in the mornings when the stillness of his slumber had allowed his muscular glutes a degree of recovery time that he never got during the day. If he wasn’t riding a horse he was sat behind a desk on a hard wooden chair. He had asked Pixis if he could have a cushion but was told no, that this would create a divide between the top brass and the lower ranking soldiers, none of whom were allowed cushions, with the exception of Armin who was able to claim a medical requirement due to his intemperately infected piles. 

But the truth was that Erwin was starting to become less competent at his job due to the stinging and continual trauma around his anus. It had gone from being hairy, and flat, to being swollen, red and fleshy, as though his anus had transformed from the Beast Titan into the Colossal Titan. He knew that someday soon, he wouldn’t be able to ride his horse into battle without weeping, which would demoralise the men. He needed a solution. 

He stayed up late one night pondering, when he heard a sudden bang coming from the canteen kitchen. Naturally, he sprang up out of his chair, letting out a cry from the sudden feeling of his buttcheeks grasping his inflamed ring. He strode towards the kitchen to investigate the noise, making sure to check he was wearing double underpants, in case of a bleeding episode. He got to the kitchen and swung open the door. There, sitting by the open freezer, his mouth full of contraband ice cream, was the repulsive lightbulb head, Connie. 

“PRIVATE CONNIE” he yelled “CLEAR UP THIS MESS AND GET BACK TO BED AT ONCE!”

The young man panicked, and ran out of the room, dropping a pile of stolen ice lollies over the floor. The pain of shouting at Connie had caused Erwins bottom to become even more sore and ulcerative. He needed a solution and quickly, but first had to pick up the ice lollies, to place them back in the freezer. He picked up the first ice lolly. It was a rocket lolly, the classic of children’s birthday parties. Connie had already opened it and started to suckle it, causing it to become less girthy, and causing the bright colours to merge into one another. Steam came off from its cold exterior. The commander thought for a moment, then realised that a solution to his colonoscopal crisis might finally be at hand…

In a rapid motion, Erwin removed his suspenders and dropped his pants. He took the cold frozen treat, and spread cheeks, allowing him to ram the rocket lolly up his arse. Erwin felt immediate gratification. The lolly may have been in the shape of a rocket, but rather than the cold vacuum of space it had landed in the warm swamp between Erwins cheeks. The commander let out a satisfied groan. ‘UGGHHHHH YAH THAT HITS THE SPOT’ he bellowed squeakily. He felt the best, anally, that he had in years… until the rocket lolly melted, leaving a bloody, poopy puddle of ice water all over the floor. 

Erwin felt aggravated. He looked back at the freezer. There had to be more ice lollies, and one of them had to be the perfect cure. He wanted the secret to Eren’s basement, but more than that he wanted to secret to cooling Erwin’s basement. He scoured around in a desperate fashion until he pulled out a new lollypop...a choc ice. Small and rectangular, with a chocolate coating, he was sure that this would last longer and allow him to fully cool. He peeled off the white paper wrapper, stretched his anus once more, and filled it with the black on the outside, white on the inside treat, in order to cool his red on the outside, brown on the inside hole. ‘OOOHHAAHHYAAHHHH’ he screamed as the Choc Ice entered him. He felt a surge of cold air travelling through his entire buttock region, as though the choc ice was on a scouting mission outside the poop walls to explore his entire fractured anus. It felt good. Erwin felt he could look forward to future missions, knowing that a simple Choc Ice could cool him… but then something went wrong. The Choc Ice, with its rectangular shape, proved too sharp for his swollen and pillowy poop perimeter. The sharp corner of the choc ice pierced an abcess inside his buttocks, causing pus and blood to leak everywhere, and the warmth of the pus also began melting the choc ice at a rapid rate.

Erwin leapt into the air and yelped. “OOOHHHHHARGGJOOOO”. He needed to find the ice lolly to cure his anus…. He looked back into the freezer and saw his next choice

A Nobbly Bobbly

END OF PART 1


	2. Spoiled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The follow up to chapter 1

Day broke in the scouting regiment barracks. The sun rose, creeping in through the windows. Through a single small window in the canteen kitchen, the coming light revealed the result of the previous nights posterior pacifying activities. Scattered across the floor, the wrappers of virtually every lollypop that could be bought from supermarkets. Twisters, Nobbly Bobblys, Cornettos, Magnums. Erwin had even become so desperate to calm his pus regurgitating penny slot that he had attempted to force an entire Viennetta into himself. The floor was sticky with melted frozen treats, and stickier still with every toxic fluid that could have possibly leaked out from any part of his digestive system below his pancreas. 

The morning found Erwin straddled, trouserless, on the cold kitchen floor. Sticking out of his anus, a children’s lollypop in the shape of Peppa Pig, Peppas eyes still visible as the treat slowly sunk downwards into the commanders pouch. Erwins face was the picture of relief. Though Erwin may never himself see the great expanse of salt water rumoured to be beyond the walls, he had sufficient evidence that one could exist, for around him was an enormous salty puddle, consisting of melted freezer snacks and the salts from deep within his colon. He felt good. He felt cool within and his piles could barely be felt. He didn’t know if he could go through this again, but for now, he could look forward to riding his horse without needing to scream loudly. Indeed he was sure he would never need to ride his horse whilst loudly screaming again for any reason. 

“C-commander Erwin?!”

A shocked voice filled Erwins heart with panic. Erwin shot up to his feet. He looked around at the disgraceful mess he had made. He could not be seen in this situation for it would ruin his reputation amongst the scouts. He was often said to be ‘the man with the iron anus’ for he was known to have zero haemorrhoids in spite of years of horse riding. The previous commander, Keith Shadis, had developed so many haemorrhoids that his anus was said to resemble a bowl of red kidney beans due to the number of hard and swollen piles which had formed on it. 

“Erwin, what are you doing?”

Erwin turned again. There he saw them. Levi and Hange, his two most trusted fellow soldiers. And standing alongside them, Captain Pixis. Erwin span again, and noticed a birthday cake sitting by the window. He then remembered what day it was…. It was Pixis’ 95th birthday. And that must mean that those ice creams…..

“ERWIN”  
Hange’s voice sounded confused and desperate  
“You ate all of the ice creams? Those were meant for the cadets at Captain Pixis’ birthday bash!”  
“Hange.. I….”

Before Erwin could speak, Levi walked over to Erwin. His natural height of 1 foot and 6 inches meant that he could see directly up Erwins exposed anus. 

“I don’t think he ate them” said humanity’s strongest soldier, as he gazed upwards into humanity’s brownest folder. “This leaking, it could only be from shoving them into his own back passage”

Erwin began to blush. He realised that his actions had ruined the birthday party of the elderly Pixis. He looked at Pixis’ face. He looked pathetic and confused. Levi climbed onto Erwins shoulder. “What are we going to do now? The old man hasn’t shut up about how much he wants to have a Solero, but you’ve turned them all into anus water”

Erwin thought for a moment. He needed to salvage the day for Pixis, or he would certainly lose his position as the scoutmaster. In a moment of genius he grabbed a cup, and held it under his dripping hole, filling the cup with ice cream flavoured colon cola. 

“Captain Pixis” he bellowed  
“Sorry about the ice cream. But we can still have milkshakes”

END OF PART 2


End file.
